I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
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*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
i did the math
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.