Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Finally!
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.