As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.