Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
We all have our pet causes.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”