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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious