Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.