6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
You Might Also Like
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..