Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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OH. COME. ON.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Same pineapple, same
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I’m confused about plants
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.