My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
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[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
🤣
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.