You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”