My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian