Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Saturday
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent