Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.