Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
bugs when you lift up a rock
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.