I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers