ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
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Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.