I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?