Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
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If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
how long have you had this for?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.