USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!