Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.