[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
How to make infinite energy.