[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
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[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*