If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.