It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I wish all tests were things you peed on
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.