Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
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Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’