[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
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When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.