I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
bury ourselves