Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?