Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
They’re the worst 😩
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Grandmother clock.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy