Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can