Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
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If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I love the honesty
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Morning.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work