Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
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“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.