THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
what could possibly go wrong?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo