I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me, in DM rooms…
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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