Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards