Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?