Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.