My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry