October already? What’s next? November????
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I told my vodka about you.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew