her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
That de-escalated quickly
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.