Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I was just discussing this with my cat
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
reduce, reuse, recycle
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”