[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
what
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats