You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*