just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth