I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
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The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I bet birds love this building.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …