My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
🤣dope
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly