ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
This did not end as expected.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”