8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
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I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
an octopus is just a wet spider
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.