I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
You Might Also Like
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.