I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
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[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.